Sexual dysfunction and dissatisfaction in marriage often stem not so much from a husband’s or wife’s inability or unwillingness to “perform”
sexually as to the couple’s failure to be sensitive, aware, and responsive to each other’s sexual needs. As with effective communication,
remembering the little things is important where sex is concerned also.
We have to be willing to look beyond our own feelings and perspective to those of our spouse.
Just because we may or may not desire sex at a particular moment does not necessarily mean that our spouse feels the same way.
It would be unhealthy for our relationship to make that assumption. This is where mature, effective communication skills are very important.
Sexual fulfilment and happiness in marriage depend on an open, loving, accepting,
and affirming environment in which each spouse feels comfortable making his or her needs and desires known to the other.
Although there have been some significant changes in recent years, particularly in the West, it is still quite common in most societies for wives to feel very inhibited when it comes to initiating sex with their husbands.
In some cultures, it is unheard of for the wife to be so bold.
In others, women are raised to believe that if they initiate sex, they are being “loose” or throwing themselves at the man.
Whatever the reason, even if they crave sexual intimacy, wives often wait passively for their husbands to be the aggressor.
For his part, a husband may interpret his wife’s passivity as disinterest and leave her alone because he does not want her to feel that he is forcing himself on her.
As a result, both of them suffer through days, weeks, or even months of wandering in a sexual desert simply because they have failed to make their needs known to each other.
If their uncommunicated needs to go unmet long enough, they may seek sexual satisfaction outside their relationship.
It is very important that husbands and wives, and especially wives, learn to speak. up regarding their sexual needs.
Wives, as far as your husband is concerned, it is all right for you to be as “loose” as you want to be! If you are not “loose”
with him, some other woman will be. Your husband has legitimate sexual needs and if you do not meet them, someone else will. Use your imagination!
Be bold! Do something daring! Don’t be afraid to initiate a sexual encounter occasionally.
Surprise your husband with your aggressiveness! Remember that as a man your husband is “hardwired” for visual stimulation and arousal. Give him something to be stimulated about!
By the same token, husbands, keep in mind that as a woman your wife is “hardwired” for tactile and aural stimulation and arousal. She craves your touch.
Embrace her and hold her close.
She needs you to tell her how beautiful she is, how sexy she is, and how much you love her,
how much you desire her, and how much you need her! She loves to hear you whisper “sweet nothings” in her ear.
It is very important that husbands and wives, and especially wives, learn to speak up regarding their sexual needs.
These may sound like small things, but they are the things that will keep the fire burning in a marriage.
Husbands and wives have a responsibility to love each other at all times and to express that love sexually often enough to keep each other satisfied.
Of course, how often is enough will depend on the couple.
Sexual relations are a normal part of marriage that each spouse has the right to expect from the other as well as the responsibility to give to the other.
Here is what the New Testament writer Paul had to say in this regard:
The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.
The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband.
In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.
Do not deprive each other except by mutual
consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.
Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).
It is clear from the context of this passage that “marital duty” refers to sexual relations.
Both the husband and the wife have the responsibility—the duty—to respond to each other sexually. Duty often takes precedence over feelings.
Understanding this can help on those occasions when one partner is “in the mood” and the other is not.
There are times when, regardless of our personal feelings, we will need to respond to our spouse out of love and responsibility.
Sexual relations are a normal part of marriage that each spouse has the right to expect from the other as well as the responsibility to give to the other.
Sometimes we forget that the little things in our sexual relationship are what
make the whole marriage a complete fellowship and union.
The little things are important to communicate our love to our spouse, and sometimes it has nothing to do with our feelings.
